Friday, 1 June 2018

Annoying things girls say on their first arranged date

Disclaimer: The characters and scenarios depicted in the blog are non- fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is purely intentional.

Real Disclaimer: Naah! Just get a high speed internet and a sense of humour to enjoy this blog at best.



1. IIT Fever

Girl: I want a guy who did his undergrad and postgrad in top IIT institutes.
Boy: What about you? Where did you do your undergrad?
Girl: It doesn't matter.
Boy:



2. To kill a sister in law

Girl: I want a guy who doesn't have a sister. I don't want any troubles from her or because of her in the future.



Boy: Give me few days. I will "take care" of my sister.

3. The localite

Girl's criteria: Guy's hometown should be Chennai. I cannot move to anywhere else in India. I want to settle down in Chennai. I have lived all my life in Mylapore. I know the tailor shop bhai, vegetable vendor, bakery uncle, rosemilk anna, pani puri wala, auto man, my friends, family, everyone I know in this world lives here. So I want live and die here. I want a guy from Mylapore.




Girl's mother: I will knock on every door and ask for their son.


4. Serial killer

One girl rejected a guy because he watched Dexter series. She thought he was creepy. She also rejected another guy because he wasn't crazy about Friends series.



5. The good Samaritan

Girl: The guy shouldn't quit drinking for me. I don't like to change anyone. If he is already drinking, he can continue after marriage too.



6. GPS locator

Girl: I want to know where my husband is every minute of the day. He should give me an update wherever he goes. When he goes on a trip, I will need to know his GPS location all the time.



7. Double standards

Girl: I want a macho guy with beard, bushy hair and six packs.





Guy: Oh that's something. I like a girl with long hair.
Girl: That's too girly. I don't want my guy to expect me to be girly.

8. Super Singer

Girl: I want a guy with manly voice so he can be intimidating. He should sing well too.



Guy: Am I being auditioned for super singer contest?

9. A woman behind every man

Girl: The guy should be successful in his career. He should earn more than 50 lakhs p.a. He should have lived and earned in many countries.
Guy: How old do you think I am?
Girl: Two years older than me?
Guy: And what do you earn? Where have you been to?
Girl: I earn 4 lakhs p.a. I haven't been to any place. That's why I want a husband.



10. The "Sanskari bahu"

Girl: I want to live alone with my husband so that I can spend quality time with him, get to know him better.
Guy: Of course. We will be living alone for few years initially. My parents are not in this city. They will join us eventually. Probably after we settle down.
Girl: Oh no! I don't want them to join us. They can visit us of course, but then again, not too often. I don't entertain being disturbed at all.




Guy: Sorry to have disturbed you now.

11. Perfect mat(c)h

Girl:  Guy's date of birth should sum up to 9. That's my lucky number.



12. Ex-cuse

Girl: I talk to my ex. We are good friends.
Guy: As am I. My ex and I are in good terms.
Girl: But if you talk to your ex, I want a divorce.



13. Angry Bird

Girl: I am short tempered. I don't expect the guy to understand me. I just don't want him to talk and annoy me further. He should be soothing when I am angry. In fact I prefer to go to my mom's whenever I get angry and I want him to come over and comfort me.
Guy: At your service, ma'am.



14. Let's talk business

Girl: Do you own a house?
Guy: Yes. We have our own house in Chennai.
Girl: But I am from Kerala. I would rather you had a house there.
Guy: But we moved to Chennai long back. I was brought up here. And we are settled here.
Girl: Not acceptable.



15. The entertainer

Girl: My husband should entertain me in all ways. He should sing, dance, take me on trips and do whatever I ask him to. He should be chubby like a teddy bear.


Share your experience in the comments section and let me know your funny experiences.

P.S.: Read all about the stupid things guys say on their first arranged date here.



Image sources: gifycat, makeagif

Wednesday, 30 May 2018

Curdling

Yeah, you read it right. Not cuddling; curdling. If that's even a word for what I am about to write.

Ladies, back me up here. What is the one biggest, unaccountable responsibility as a married woman that goes unnoticed all the time? It’s not the back breaking duty of doing the dishes when it mounts to the height of Mt. Everest. It’s not cooking sambar with all those sambar powder and daal and tamarind and whatever it is that people make sambar with. It is not even the taxing job of making your own sambar powder, standing in the kitchen for over half a day and then begging the guy at the “maavu machine” shop to grind it to the exact consistency of sambar powder, which he will eventually flop which is still okay because we need that guy in our life to blame every time something goes wrong in our kitchen. No it’s none of these. It’s the act of making curd. Again, you read it right.

When I was ready to get married I thought to myself, “Cooking? Yay or Nay? Let’s go with Nay!” and decided to have a cook in my home. But we are living in 21st century. You don’t get cooks that easy. It's easier to find a terrorist hidden in Pakistan. Until then, my mother and my mother-in-law insisted on learning one thing: to make curd. Huh? It’s easy right? I mean how can anyone go wrong in making curd? Just add curd to milk, leave it overnight and voilĂ . Nope! Wrong! You have just been eliminated from the game of marriage. There is science behind this. Women have been researching on it for eons and have come up with the perfect formula. Only problem is everyone has their own “perfect” formula. That’s where we amateurs go wrong.


“Boil the milk and wait for it to cool down completely.”
“Can it be lukewarm?”
“No!”
“A little bit…….”
“No!”
“Alright!”
“Boil the milk and wait for it to cool down, but not completely. Otherwise the milk won’t curdle. It will taste bad.”
“Lukewarm?”
“No! Not that warm. It has to be colder than lukewarm.”
“Add one spoon of curd. That should do it”
“Add one spatula of curd.”
“Add one cup of curd. One spoon is too little.”
“Try soy milk if you don’t get cow milk.”
"Get buffalo milk. It produces the best curd ever."
“Buy curd. You won’t get this right anyway. It is an art.”
“Boil the milk and wait for……”
“Squeeze lemon if you don’t have curd.”
“Add salt for flavour.”
“Add water to milk.”
“While you are at it, throw in a pinch of pepper…”
“Add ginger garlic paste…”
“Boil the milk and wait for……”
“Leave it overnight.”
“Wait exactly for 2 hours during summer and 5 hours if it is winter.”
“What about during spring and monsoon?”
“Boil the milk and wait for……”

I waited too long one day only to find that the milk had gone bad. We found a cook but she said she wouldn’t take the responsibility of making curd. So we had to let her go. I guess she saw that coming. I need curd to survive, to sustain life, to exist on this planet. We all do, don’t we? If you don’t then you must be from another planet. So if you think it is that easy to make curd, why don’t you try it? I bet you will be ranting in a blog very soon.

Offo! As I write this, I realize I waited too long for the milk to cool.

Wednesday, 2 May 2018

Stupid things guys say on their first arranged date

Disclaimer: The characters and scenarios depicted in the blog are non- fictitious. Any similarity to actual persons, living or dead, is purely intentional.

Real Disclaimer: Naah! Just get a high speed internet and a sense of humour to enjoy this blog at best.



1. Tall, hefty and handsome is the thing now

Boy is tall and hefty, girl is tall and slim.
Boy's condition: If you gain weight I will marry you.
Girl:



2. Love at first bite

Boy's condition: I need a girl who can cook multi cuisine.
Girl: Well, I can manage North and South Indian.
Boy: Oh no! I am a foodie. I need a wife who can make Italian, Chinese, Mexican etc.
Girl: Yeah I am the next masterchef India winner.



3. The whole IT package

Boy (in fake accent): Hi How do you do? I hope everything is alright at your end.
Girl: Um yeah thanks...?
Boy: Let me update you on my profile and we will see the kind of progress we can make. I have been in IT for 6 years, working for a US client. I am available 24/7 to them. I have been working very hard to get VISA. I am sure I will get it done in few weeks. Let me know if you have any concerns or queries that I can help you with, from my end. You can reach me on my mobile 24/7.
Girl: "I will get back to you on this"




4. Made for each tester

Boy: I specifically want a girl who works in IT.
Girl: You are in luck! I am a JAVA developer in ABC Multinational company.
Boy: Oh boy! I was hoping to get a test engineer.
Girl: Wow, someone is very choosy. Why so?
Boy: I am a tester myself. sometimes I bring my work home and if my wife is also a tester she can finish the projects on my behalf. Most often I like to delegate my work.
Girl: Oh so you are looking for an assistant? Next door, please.




5. Not a Mama's boy

Girl: You work abroad, I work here. How do we make this work after marriage? I am sure I can apply for a dependent VISA.
Boy: No, after wedding, you will stay here with my mother.
Girl: Alright. When does your VISA expire?
Boy: I don't know. I am not planning to return to India any sooner. I can't take you with me because I want you to stay here and take care of my mother.
Girl: Why can't we bring her with us?
Boy: No, I don't want to take care of her. That is why I am getting married.



Girl: Get a nurse instead. It will be less expensive.


6. Dear Lord!

My friend, the most pious girl I know from my generation, was rejected a marriage proposal because she didn't go to church everyday!




7. LOL

Boy: I heard you are witty and funny. Tell me a joke.
Girl:



8. Heart of fake gold

A guy in my office wears a lot of jewelry on him. I always wondered why. Turns out his father owns a jewelry shop. I asked him why he didn't look after his dad's business. His reply was and I quote, "In my community, an IT guy with a jewelry shop gets double the dowry from girl's side. And if I get an on-site opportunity I can demand 100 kg gold jewelry."



I eyed at him from top to bottom and asked, "Where are you planning on wearing them?"

9. Right on!

Boy to a girl: I am not very religious or traditional. I just like to get up in the morning, pray, go to temple everyday before going to office. And then in the evening, I'd like my wife to light lamps and offer prayers to god in a saree. You have to wear a saree whenever you are at home. But you are allowed to wear the dress of your choice when we go out. You can wear chudidar too. I totally don't mind. I let my sister wear jeans with kurta. Can you imagine!

        
Girl: Oh! so you started with a joke.... Good call.

10. The love Triangle

A rich father arranged for his son to talk to a girl on skype while he was on conference, monitoring what they were discussing and making sure she was not a gold digger.


11. What? Why? Really?

A guy wasn't interested in marrying a girl because she didn't ask him enough questions on their first date. He was an HR.


12. Dig along......

Boy's conditions: 
  • Bride's father has to incur all the expenses. 
  • Bride's father has to book tickets for everyone in his family to attend the wedding. 
  • Prefers an only child so that she can inherit her father's assets.

             

13. Let's do it the European way

Boy: I am not interested in a commitment yet. Why don't we live together for a year, have fun and then part ways? If we like each other by the end of one year we will discuss how to deal with it.


14. Checklist

Boy's criteria for a girl: No pimples, curly hair and a romantic smile exposing a perfectly aligned teeth. 

             

15. Cheapshot

Boy: I want a girl who has a degree in science or math so that I can save money in tuition fee for our children.

         

16. No entry in the closet

Boy: I don't have much of a social life. I prefer to stay indoors. I like to spend time with my room mate. He is a cool guy. He comes here every night and we have fun together. If you want to hang out with your friends, I don't mind. In fact, I won't mind even if you like another guy. You are free to do as you please. Let's keep this between us. My parents are not very open minded when it comes to open marriage.

        

17. Totally Kewl!

Boy: I am strict with sleep timings. Early to bed early to rise. I don't bend this rule for anyone. My family sticks to it too. We can do everything during the day.

       Image source: Google 

18. Saare jahan se acha

Boy: The girl should have VISA or should be working abroad. That way I can apply for dependent VISA and a get a job there.


19. The nerd

Boy(to a girl who is doing masters): I want a girl who has never been proposed by a guy. I won't like it if you talk to guys after marriage. But you are allowed to have discussion on studies and your course with a guy. That is fine by me.

       

20. Stark honesty

Boy: I want a girl who doesn't know Hindi.
Girl: Why?
Boy: So that my family and I can talk about her in her presence.


   

Share your experience in the comments section and feed me more content for my next blog. *wink*


P.S. : Coming soon... Next blog on annoying things girls say on their first arranged date. Check it out here


Image sources: gifycat, makeagif

Friday, 16 March 2018

Vijaya Stores and periods

The title should make you laugh out loud but here is fodder to your rational thoughts.

This particular store in the centre of Mylapore is very famous for a variety of items that concern with festivals and rituals. Function at home? Drive to Vijaya stores, they will have the ingredients to any ritual/ceremony. From sandal powder to offer to God, to idols of God Himself (any God for that matter, yours, mine) you name it you get it in their three storey building.

The shop is usually flooded with middle aged women from all over the city. The sales record reaches it peak during the Navaratri festival, for every middle-aged woman and every happily-married-or-not summangali in the town rushes to this place to get their hands on the best gift article introduced for the season. There are just way too many articles there that sometimes you pick an item and ask the sales person what it is (and then put it in your shopping cart because the other lady just bought it). Vijaya Stores totally takes advantage of these innocent victims who are blind to the newly painted old items that are recycled inside the sales department. But hey! If everyone is happy, why bother?

We were hosting a grand ceremony to mark the occasion of my father-in-law's (FIL's) 60th birthday. This was almost as grand an occasion as a wedding so we had a lot to prep for. Obviously the shopping for this had to be done in the shrine that is Vijaya Stores. We got a list of items to be purchased needed for the ceremony, some needed before and some after. But Vijaya Stores has the answer to all. It is a one-stop destination to cater to all vadhiyar mamas' (Hindi: Pandit; closest English word is 'priest') needs. You would think we just take the list, go there and pick up the stuffs but no. It doesn't work that way. Nothing is simple under God's nose. My mother-in-law picked the right date and time to go through the list given to us. And she picked the right date and time to go the store. This "auspicious" day to purchase passes a battery of tests like ammavasai (No moon day), rahukalam, Emagandam, Tuesdays, Saturdays etc. No one should have periods on the day we discuss to go to the shop. No one should have periods on the day we go to the shop. No one should have periods on the day of the function. If you have periods, you are out. If your friend has periods you are out. If your friend's sister has periods you are out. You see where I am going with this.

So on a fine day, or as they would call it, an auspicious day, we went to the store. The fragrance of incense sticks and camphor greeted us. The store was light up so bright and the devotional songs playing somewhere in the background almost got to my spiritual side. But then I remembered I didn't have one, yet. The shop was packed with women and sales girls. A young boy came up to us and offered to pack all the items in the list. He was adept and moved around the shop efficiently, bringing all that he could gather. He took out a pen from his pocket and starting checking off the items in the  list. I noticed that it was a black pen. I was battling whether to tell my MIL or to politely tell him, but the guy shouted to someone in the store, "Hey bring me a blue pen." He didn't look like he had a lot of experience being a sales person but he must have had his moments there.

He put the items in a shopping basket and guided us to go to second and third floor to get the rest of the items. Apparently, his jurisdiction was only up to floor one. The second floor was deserted and there was one lone girl standing in the corner in the store uniform. We helped ourselves. While we were asking the girl about something in the list, my MIL's phone rang. She went outside to take it. I had time to kill so I started up a conversation with the sales girl.

"I have never seen you here. How long have you been working here?"
"About four months." She shifted her weight from one leg to another.
"Is the store crowded during week days too?"
"Yes, it is." She balanced on her right leg this time.
"Why don't you sit when there are no customers? Your legs must hurt standing all day."
"No, my boss doesn't like it if we sit."
"So you stand all day?"
"Not while we have our lunch." She smiled. I smiled back. "We take turns to go to the back of the store and sit there if there are no customers for a long time. But during festival, we don't get a chance."
I looked at her. She was definitely younger than me by a year or two.
"What do you do when you are on your periods? You can't touch anything here. Do you have to stand then too? Or do you take leave?" I couldn't imagine standing the whole day when I am on my periods.
"We can't take leave three days a month. We work here. We can touch things."
"But these are offered to God. You are not supposed to touch them, are you?"
"We don't get paid to not touch anything. We do regular sales everyday, periods or not. We just don't touch Hanuman and Ayyappan stuffs." I figured that much.

I let the irony sink in. I looked at my MIL who was still on call. I was sure she would have weighed these possibilities. This is probably why there are so many mantras before the rituals, to make everything pure. Or whatever. We bagged everything, paid the bill, thanked the sales girl and pushed our way out of the store.

Monday, 12 February 2018

Midnight in Paris: Painting

Rating: 4.5/5

Imagine a blank palette. No wait! Imagine a beautiful painting, of anything for that matter. Now forget that. Imagine a blank palette. Visualize the artist mixing a range of colours on this palette. Now he paints the blank canvas with strokes of colours that turns into a very beautiful picture beyond words. You look at this picture and you realize this is larger than life. That this painting could have been just mediocre but it wasn't. It could be just another painting in the gallery, but it isn't. It would be outcast by many more to come, only it won't. That is how one would feel watching the movie 'Midnight in Paris'. The director's cut is shown in the two minutes of the movie. It speaks volumes of his expertise that he took advantage of, to express his love for the city. I wouldn't call myself a Woody Allen fan, but I was bowled over by this movie. If I knew any better and I had watched many more of his movies, I'd call this his masterpiece.

I want to say the first two minutes are the best part of the movie, at least that is what I felt when I started watching the movie. I was too apprehensive about watching a Woody Allen movie that I didn't really care for the rest of the movie at the beginning. First two mins into the movie and I was too overwhelmed by the beauty of Paris thrown at my face. As the movie progressed, it unveiled the charm of the city in the backdrop.

The city seems to allure the lead character and engulf him in its past. The golden age, as idealized by everyone, is usually a surreal period where nostalgia meets our knowledge of great people in the noteworthy past. The director's touch was felt when nostalgia merged with the modern charm not in a flashback but through inexplicable magic. The director lets us travel to the past and peek into the famous 20's lives of Fitzgerald, Hemingway, Picasso and other notable artists of the time. As the calendar dates further into the past, the director makes us feel that the 'golden age' for a person will always be anything in the past unless he embraces the present with enthusiasm. The actors did quite a job by acting out the parts lightly with no overdo. The music score, the cinematography and the screenplay added feathers to his cap.

By the end of the movie, Woody Allen made me wish that I had watched it before I visited the city of love, myself.